The rules of rural Pennsylvania are as follows:
1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why
they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and
west, I-79 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn
pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming
in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, macaroni and
cheese. We fry our fish after 'catch'n 'em'. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes
fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce
and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call
that stuff you eat. It’s not real chili.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the Steelers
and Eagles and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities,
community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta’ there with an education
plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they
come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air
Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped
by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is
not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your
boxers. Refer back to # 3 .
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some
sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the
grocery stores. You’re not in Alaska . Worst case you may have to live a
whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out
the next day.
Map showing the evolution of the counties, geographically